Is it to late to tell you I love you

"I hate you mum"  these are the words I spat at my mother so many years ago as I left our home.
She was taken ill that day and was unconscious in hospital and flown out to a larger facility for specialised care.  She died a week later.  I never got the chance to tell her I didn't mean it, I was sorry.
For the rest of my life "hate" was a word I would use so carefully.

I can remember when I was just 12 years old a male boarder at our home took me into the shower a cold shower I might add and with the door shut proceeded  to wash me from head to toe with my mother just outside the door.  I just stood there feeling the cold water on my body and his hands all over me crying and wishing I was someone else, someone this would never happen to. I can remember the angry look I gave my mother when I came out of the bathroom and all the "how could you let this happen to me" feelings running through my young body. I was supposed to be clean and I never felt so dirty. 

Later on I can't remember how long, I came home and found the boarder with his bedroom door open getting dressed, I ran to my mothers bedroom only to see her getting dressed as well.  I had a feeling something was wrong but at 12 years old and very nieve didn't know what. 

47 years later talking to a psychologist trying to get to the bottom of a suppressed anger problem I got to talking about both the above incidents , I don't know how it came up but I do remember the anger it bought back, how could she, she never protected me when I needed it most.  Then I was asked to see it from a different point of view.  She was afraid of this man, that I knew, why would she have any sort of a relationship with him.  With children of my own now and a lot of life experience behind me, the light finally came on, she was protecting me.  She gave herself to protect me, the ultimate sacrifice a true mother, she loved me.  It is now 45 years since she left this world, and I pray and hope with all my heart that she knew I loved her.  And now as I look back, I love her with all my heart.